I used to be bothered by the fact, that I missed out on all of my husband’s firsts. I couldn’t be his first wedding, first marriage, first wife; we didn’t buy our first house together, nor have our first babies together.
A mindset shift was necessary.
My husband’s ex-wife once told me that she believes I am “threatened by her”. She also mentioned to others that I am “jealous of her.” Although I didn’t agree with these statements, they forced me to take a look inside and self-reflect. What I discovered was eye-opening.
I realized I am not jealous of his ex-wife, but I am jealous that she took all of my husband’s firsts. I felt his firsts should be experienced with me, his true love.
His first home was bought with her.
His first engagement was with her.
His first wedding was with her.
His first baby was with her.
His first honeymoon was with her.
All of these thoughts initially made me feel sad. I wanted to have all his firsts and it didn’t feel fair. Sadly, that wasn’t the reality.
I had to grieve the loss of not being there for all of his firsts. I had to shift my thinking from having all his firsts to being blessed I get to have all of his lasts. The best part is, he gets to be all of my firsts.
I got to have my dream engagement. My first engagement, his last.
We had our dream wedding. My first wedding, his last.
We have a happy, healthy marriage. My first marriage, his last.
We are taking our honeymoon this summer. My first honeymoon, his last.
I get to be his last kiss and he gets to be my last kiss.
We’ve been revamping our home to make it our style and fit our personalities. In the future, we will have the chance to buy a home together. My first home, his last home.
We will be having a baby soon. Although he has two beautiful children, we will make a beautiful baby of our own and grow our family. My first baby, his last addition(s) to our family.
I had to grieve the loss of not getting all of his firsts. On the contrary, realizing his divorce with his ex-wife was also a first, I knew the title of “first” certainly isn’t best. As soon as I shifted my mindset, I could focus on the blessing of him getting all of my firsts, and me getting all of his lasts.
Grief can be common in second marriages. You have to grieve the loss of the fantasy of getting all of each other’s firsts together. Just remember, as a team, you will get to have all of your firsts together.
Charles Dickens once said, “A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.” In this case, the saying holds true, “save the best for last.”
Nicole DiLorenzo is an educator, mentor, wife, and stepmom of two girls. Her passion for teaching has spilt into the stepfamily dynamic, wanting to help others navigate their role. She runs a blog which helps her therapeutically deal with the many blessings and challenges within the stepfamily dynamic. She enjoys yoga, dog walks, riding motorcycles, vacations, and living a balanced life. Visit www.stepmomwarrior.com for more information.