An Open Letter to the Bio Mom


Woman Writing

The relationship I have with my stepchildren’s bio mom is very simple. It basically consists of having minimum contact with each other. The only time we talk is if it has to do with the children.

This is what works for us. I have always had an open door policy with her, but she made it clear in the beginning that this is all she wants. That is completely fine with me. Honestly, I think she is missing out on a pretty kick ass person (in my bias opinion!)

However, this has not stopped me from wondering what I would talk to her about if she ever accepted that offer from me. My dream would be to sit down, with a glass of wine (just to take the edge off, let’s be honest I am going to need it!) and throw everything on the table, and just talk.

If that day ever comes, these are a few things I would share with her. Until then, I will be waiting patiently.

I Know You Never Thought About Me.

In those years when you were married to my husband, I was not someone you thought would be in your life. You did not see me being part of your future.

I never thought of you either. I did not know that your children would make me a stepmom. To be honest, I did not see myself being one of those either. A stepmom.

It is funny how things work out in ways we did not see coming. Whether it is a divorce or becoming a blended family. Life has a way of giving us what we need.

I Adore Those Children More Than You Think I Do.

Yes, my love is different than yours. After all, they know what you sound like from the inside. That is a feeling I am not trying to compete with.

But, I love them in my own way. They have a place in my heart that I never knew was there; a special love between those children and me. I pray one day, you can understand that.

I Am Not Trying to Take Your Place.

In the beginning of my blended family journey, I did not know where I belonged with your children. I felt like I was supposed to be their mom because I was now the “woman of the house.”

It was a feeling that just did not feel right. You are their mom. Nobody can ever replace you. Period.

After all, if it was not for you, I would not be a stepmom. These talented and loving children would not be in my life. I would not be riding this incredible journey in my life if it was not for you. Thank you for that.

You Made My Husband a Better Husband.

I have you to thank for that as well. He knows what the most important thing is in his life. He loves his family and we are his top priority.

You and my husband went through a life event that shaped you both into the people you are today.

You have both felt emotions and dealt with situations that one cannot understand unless you have lived it.

Kind of like being a stepmom.

I Used to Envy You.

I will admit it; I used to feel a little jealous. To me, it seemed like your life was so perfect. You had everything I have ever wanted. I felt so silly. Being jealous of someone I barely knew.

I was jealous of the past you shared with my husband. Those memories that come up that do not include me. All I wanted was to be part of those memories.

I would become envious when the children would talk about you. It was not their fault. You are their mom, after all. I was trying too hard to fill a job in their lives that was not up for hire.

I Admire Your Strength.

As a bio mom myself, I often wondered how you felt every weekend when my husband would pick up the children. The emotions that must arise knowing you will be away from them. I do not know how you do it.

In blended families, there are a lot of things you may miss out on; a birthday, holiday or a special occasion. Although you have other ways of celebrating these missed days, I cannot imagine how that must feel.

My stepchildren’s mom may never want to sit down with me. She may never feel comfortable enough with the idea. That is ok. I would not want to create an uncomfortable environment for her.

The way one person deals with stressors of a blended family will be different than how another one deals with them. There is nothing wrong with that. We are all unique in our blended families and we need to be just fine with what works for our own family.

We cannot force someone to like us, or even talk to us. The best thing we can do is let them know the offer is there, and step away. You cannot please everybody. That was a hard pill to swallow for me. I am a people pleaser by nature.

How is your relationship between you and your husband’s ex? Let me know in the comments below!

 

Bailey Eisenkirch blogs about how she blended her family together all while being the young second wife. She is passionate about all things motherhood and keeping a marriage strong. You can find her on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter: @runnerupwife.

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